Children Develop Intelligent Relationship:
A few weeks ago, as I was leaving the local post office, I passed a young mother and her little girl. A little girl who looked like five was whining about something. Her mother said, "If you stop crying, I'll give you a cookie when we get home."
On the surface, her mother's remark seemed harmless enough. And the comment had nothing to do with both mom and baby being overweight. Still, I couldn't help but wonder: What was that mom teaching her daughter?
Was she teaching her that candy is a reward for good behavior? Was she teaching her that sweets were a way to soothe difficult emotions?
A new client recently came into my counseling practice of her compulsive overeating. She said she knew exactly how she came to this behavior (and the circuit that goes with it). "When my brother and I were kids, our parents told us that whoever cleans their plate first can eat from their sibling's plate as well." What message did she get about food? it was, "Eat all you can as fast as you can so you can eat more."
How many children have been coaxed or forced to eat more than they want for reasons that have nothing to do with feeling hungry or full? "You can't leave the table until you've eaten everything on your plate." "You have to eat because somewhere other kids are starving." “Here, have some cookies and you'll feel better. "If you don't eat it, Aunt Jane will think you don't like her cooking." News like these give food an illogical meaning.
I am a life coach and counselor specializing in addiction treatment and stress management. I help clients who struggle with many types of addictions, both behavioral and emotional, and as you can imagine, I have my fair share of clients who struggle with overeating and obesity on a daily basis.
My work allowed me to interview hundreds of clients about their eating habits and opinions about food. It doesn't surprise me that many overweight individuals maintain a dysfunctional relationship with food, often due to beliefs about food that they developed in childhood.
Having an intelligent relationship with food means seeing food as a source of nutrition and energy. Hunger or a drop in energy or concentration are so signals to eat. People who eat in response to such stimuli are attuned to their body's nutritional needs. They choose food and determine part sizes and without much conscious effort. They eat when they feel hungry and stop when they feel full. They balance calorie intake and energy expenditure to maintain a healthy weight. People who succeed are in the minority in America.
People who maintain a dysfunctional relationship with food do not eat according to their needs or in response to the body's signals. Instead, they turn to food to soothe troubling emotions — especially foods high in fat, sugar, and starch. They eat for comfort; not because of the nutritional value. They perceive food as a reward for success or for overcoming difficulties. They have lost touch with the physical sensations that communicate hunger, eating according to external cues – the time of day, seeing other people eating, the smell of food, food advertisements or magazine covers with a picture of a delicious dessert.
Because they are no longer in touch with sensations that state satiety, they have no intuitive yardstick for an appropriate part size. They don't know when to stop eating, so they overeat and consume excess calories that are stored as fat.
Such eating habits lead to obesity. These habits are resistant to change because they are associated with comfort, convenience, and stress relief. They replace the hard work of self-awareness and self-discipline, confronting difficult emotions, and developing effective coping skills—things that many people go to therapy to learn.
It is true that other factors contribute to obesity. One factor is the ready abundance of cheap, processed foods high in sugars, starches, and fillers with little nutritional value. A sedentary lifestyle, genetic problems, certain medications, certain diseases and poor sleeping habits complete the list.
Yet, with childhood obesity more prevalent than at any time in history, parents may want to consider the messages they give their children about food. Here are three things that would be good to teach by word, deed, and example:
• Food is for nutrition and energy. Some foods are more nutritious than others.
Parents who teach this make sure to provide enough nutritious foods for snacks and meals, and when their children are young, they expose their children's taste buds to the taste of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and lean sources of protein. Sweet and starchy foods should be a rare treat for special occasions; not an everyday staple.
• Eat when you are hungry. Stop eating when you feel full.
Parents who teach this will give children child-sized portions and avoid fights over food. If Suzy doesn't eat, she can leave the table. If she's hungry later, offer her a nutritious snack.
• If you are feeling stressed, let's talk about it, consider some options and find a workable solution.
Talking things through with an unhappy child takes more time and effort than soothing them with a treat or a toy. Still, age-appropriate problem solving is a skill worth learning.
Finally, if you tend to overeat because you eat in response to external stimuli in your immediate environment, or to soothe difficult emotions, or for reward, or because you don't know when to stop eating, then it may be time to examine your own thoughts about food and its importance. You may want to reevaluate and replace any unintended messages you received about food when you were young. Then you can develop an intelligent relationship with food.
